sekiraku
by neguis bonis
Summary: youko ponders her past, present and future with her favourite rat friend, and comes to terms with her feelings about him.


Hello everyone! this is my very first fic, i hope you would enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it!

i just LOVE this pairing, but i didn't find many fics about them, (i don't know why if they are sooo adorable together!) well anyways, i wanted to contribute for the cause, so i made this little piece (yeah, little with 2,063 words! jeje sorry) about the most beautiful couple in the twelve kingdoms' universe!

i'm new around here, english is not my mother tongue, and this is my first fic,soo i really would apreciate all your reviews, anything to make this a better piece of work, for all of you to read and enjoy. sorry if it's a little long, i was inspired!

by the way, is a songfic, based on Alanis Morissette's song, _Head over feet, _when i listen to that song, i just think it's perfect for them!

last but not least: I don't own juuni kokki, or any of their characters, those belong to Fuyumi Ono-sama, and i don't own Alanis Morissette's song, _Head over feet. _

* * *

**I had no choice but to hear you****  
****You stated your case time and again****  
****I thought about it**

I still remember that rainy night he found me, half dead in the middle of the road and without second thoughts, reached his paw towards me, and saved my life. I was utterly confused at this, and (though I didn't want to admit it) a little bit scared of not knowing his true intentions. Defending myself the only way I knew of, I reached my sword and aimed at him, but he didn´t retreat, just smiled and assured me that everything would be fine, that he would help me. Still very weak and injured, being chased by unknown people, in an unknown place, I had no other way to stay alive, but to "believe" in his words. I don´t know what, maybe his rat shape, made me accept his help, if only a little.

Yet as time passed, I still kept a distance from him, waiting for the moment he would backstab me, ready to counter him with my sword, but my rejection was only met with understanding and patience, with words of wisdom, which I didn't want to accept, for that would mean to accept him.

The day we broke apart, I left him half dead while I cowardly ran away, thinking how to dispose of him, and at that moment it finally set in, all his kindness, and also all my ugliness. I noticed at last how low I had fallen, for trying to kill the only being that saved me, which made me feel like the worst monster ever, like I really deserved everything that had come my way. But with those feelings came a strong resolve. I resolved myself to stop, change what I had become and get out of the hole I had gotten myself into. Even then, his kind words and gentle smile kept helping me, making me realize my mistakes, giving me the so necessary strength to keep going.

**You treat me like I'm a princess****  
****I'm not used to liking that****  
****You ask how my day was**

Our paths crossed each other again, and my shame found his smile again. I had no right to look him in the eye, so I apologized for what I had done, thinking he would never forgive me, but he discarded the past, and accepted my present without judging. Once again, he reached his paw and gave me his reassuring smile. With him by my side, I was able to see this world from another point of view, and I liked what I was seeing, but I still missed my home, so together we decided to find a way back for me.

What we found, however, was a situation that surpassed us. I remember that day, and I can´t help but smile. I told him very leisurely about the man that brought me here, I even started mocking him, hoping he would laugh with me about the strange man, but in his face I found no smile, but shock. After a while he managed to compose himself and explained me what I was, and why I was there.

At that moment his attitude completely changed, he distanced himself from me, bowed before me, and spoke me with "respect", saying we could no longer be friends, due to our different status. Whereas he had always given me his hand, that moment he just gave me the back, and I felt outraged. Fortunately he's always been understanding, so I made him see (somewhat aggressively) that the fact that I was an empress didn't change me or our friendship, that I'd rather not be queen than lose him again, and his heart was that which was away, not me. And after a while (that felt like an eternity) once again I could see his smile, and feel his paw, holding my hand.

**You've already won me over in spite of me****  
****Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet****  
****And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are****  
****I couldn't help it****  
****It's all your fault**

Now that I think about it, even at that time I may have been feeling like this, but of course, with everything that was happening around us at the moment, I didn't have that much time to dwell on it, there were just more important matters to attend. So while I gently put aside this sensation, without me knowing (I think even himself didn't know, or doesn't know), it slowly, but firmly started to grow deep inside me. That's it, he carved his way into my heart and into my soul, in a way I never thought it could be possible.

And he didn't even have to try that hard! He was just being himself, but you see, that's the most charming trait of him, his gentle nature, oh! And: his positive attitude, his wisdom, and strength, so many! How could you expect me to not fall for that?

**Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole****  
****You're so much braver than I gave you credit for****  
****That's not lip service****  
**

Strength you say? Of course he's strong, in his own way. I know of his strength, ever since that rainy day, he's been strong enough for both of us, he's always been by my side, never backing down, even if it means putting himself in danger, or in difficult situations. He keeps going on with resolve and patience, always getting up from whatever punch he gets from life, and that conviction and big heart of his has always amazed me. It shouldn't of course, since he has always been that brave, but, when looking at his rat form, tiny and cute, one can be misled. One tends to think he's vulnerable, a weak _hanjuu_ unable to defend himself, but I've come to learn, he's the best example of the saying "appearances can be deceiving".

Maybe is because of that braveness and resolve that he was able to stay by my side till the end. I'm pretty sure any other person would have given up on me long ago, but he just kept trying, kept his faith on me, and little by little, that faith, generosity and patience changed me, he got under my skin, without me noticing, and I am who I am now thanks to him.

**You are the bearer of unconditional things****  
****You held your breath and the door for me****  
****Thanks for your patience**

Now that I'm in this huge palace, full of luxurious rooms and jewelry and always surrounded by maidens and ministers, I think back and I know, that without him, I wouldn't be here. Heck! I wouldn't even be alive! But even if now I have everything that anyone could ever want, I feel _incomplete, _unless he's by my side. I don't need all this luxuries, I need **him**, and all I can get from him that not even the whole world's money could ever buy. I'm in need of his unfaltering smile, and the moral support he provides; he's one of the very few people who really, really believe in me. He was the first to, even before I believed in myself. I'm so happy he never gave up on me, and so at ease knowing he still stands by me, he's irreplaceable. Sure, I got Shoukei and Suzu with me, and they also have a special place in my heart, but not quite like him. There are things that only he's able to understand, there are problems that I can only speak with him, there's that peace I can only get by being by his side.

He understands me without me having to explain myself, almost as if he could read my mind, and he knows exactly what to say in order to help me, sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself, and I find that a little scary, and somewhat reassuring. If he weren't walking this difficult path with me, I would have lost myself long ago.

**You're the best listener that I've ever met****  
****You're my best friend****  
****Best friend with benefits****  
****What took me so long****  
**

I honestly don't know where I would be now if it weren't for him. Even nowadays he stays by my side, supporting me, lending me a hand, his ears and advice. I haven't found someone easier to talk to, even I it's just through a bird, whenever I hear his voice, I just get all warm inside, and so at peace. I can spend hours with him, just talking, and it feels as if time stopped itself. And when I'm by his side everything seems so _perfect_, as if nothing could ever go wrong, as if I could die happy right at that moment.

Reflecting on all this, I've come to the conclusion that, right now, He's the most important person to me, he's not just a friend anymore, but something more, and I don't know how to address this matter with myself, much less with him. It took me a while to figure this feeling I had every time I see him, or just listen his voice through the bird, this warm feeling spreading through my entire body, mi heart racing, and that peace and total and utter happiness that overcomes me whenever I just think about him.

Of course at first I didn't pay much attention to it, I just told myself that I missed him, and there was so much to do in the court I couldn't afford to "waste time" thinking this kind of stuff. But, the more I pushed it away, the more it came to my head, with so much force, I couldn't concentrate on anything else; he always came to me, his whiskers, his cuute tail, his assuring smile, he was **always** in my mind, to the point that the _suigu-tou_ only showed me images of him! At that point I decided to talk to shoukei and suzu. I knew they would be the only ones who could at least tell me what was happening (and they were the only ones I could trust in that matter) and, after lots of laughs and jokes from them, they finally told me what I already knew, deep inside me, but didn't want to, or was too scared to, accept. I'm in love with my best friend. I **love **Rakushun.

**I've never felt this healthy before****  
****I've never wanted something rational****  
****I am aware now****  
****I am aware now**

Why scared, you say? Well, as most things in life, love is not easy, but complicated, with so many facets, and full of difficulties. If that is so in a normal relationship, a normal lifestyle, how could it not be like that in our situation? Me, an amateur queen struggling to rule a destroyed kingdom, trying to lift it up from the ashes, with the observant and judging eye of my whole country and ministers, with almost nobody to back me up, falling in love? I don't have time for this kind of feelings; I should be loving and protecting my country! And let's not start on his side, a refugee from kou, and a _hanjuu _at that, who, after many many problems, was finally able to attend the best university in En, but who's still struggling with discrimination, financial problems, and what else, while trying to keep his place in that university! What a good timing youko!

But, as always, love comes when it's less expected, and is not to be thought, but felt. And so, here I am, loving him from far, far away, without being able to at least tell him a little bit of all these feelings, or show him the mess he has made me into. No, we both are utterly busy, to even start thinking about all this. It's not the time, not now.

But it doesn't mean I won't tell him, it's just, I'll wait for the right moment, even if that moment isn't in the near future. I will definitely tell him, show him how much I feel for him. And that thought alone fills me with peace, and renewed strength, to keep going, to keep smiling and fighting, for my country, for me, for him, for **us.**


End file.
